Ashes: Redemption

Last month I had the opportunity to attend a conference in Seattle at Mars Hill Church called Redemption Groups Immersion (a one-week intensive boot camp that trains ministry leaders to implement and lead a ministry called Redemption Groups).  I was put into a group where we delved into the depths of our lives with brutal honesty and walked through the material during the main teaching sessions, which were some of the finest and most Spirit-led teachings I've heard. 

The week that I spent up there was one of the most heart-wrenching and healing times I’ve ever experienced as a Christian, and I am immensely thankful to God for the men and women at Mars Hill who serve him relentlessly with unbridled passion.  The next few posts will be some of my take-aways from that conference, all of which impacted me in profound ways.

Anyway, as that week went on and God kept hammering away at the junk in my life – the bitterness toward God that I didn’t even know I had, the wicked sense of entitlement that I’ve carried for most of my life, etc. – I was moved pray the following prayer late one night in bed:

Father, you have chosen to love me in spite of me.  You redeemed me for your glory and it seems that all I’ve done is trample on it and childishly demand more – because I think that you’re not good enough for me.  I’ve forsaken the Creator for creation – an infinite offense.  The highest of treason.  And yet you saved me, redeemed me, bought me.  You said “Mine!” and I rebelled.  I confess I wanted your gifts more than life itself.  And like a fool I looked elsewhere for that which only you can provide.  My pride, lust, lies, self-importance, self indulgence, doubt, distrust, shame, - my sin.  All of it.  Stinking, festering, choking my life and killing my soul.  And yet you took them all on- you atoned for every bit of my sin before I even breathed.  So how can I remain unmoved?  How can I not worship you?  Your kindness has brought me to repentance, and I confess I have no other hope, no other aspiration, no other God.  You are all I have.  I have been a fool to see you as a tormentor, a taskmaster; in you and you alone is freedom and grace abounding in steadfast lovingkindness.  So Father, thank you for loving me – thank you for loving me enough to not let me fumble about in my sin, but that you revealed my idols and crushed them with your love on the cross.  I relinquish my desires to you – everything I felt entitled to; everything I was using you for:  A wife. A home. Children.  Financial prosperity.  Respect. Honor.  Success.  Education, diplomas, intellect.  Appreciation, affection.  A place of ministry.  Sleep.  Health.  Food.  Salvation.  All of these I’ve taken for granted and tried to snatch from your hand without you looking.  And yet you are so much more gracious than to give me what I want.  I see now that my pain and shame and sanctifying affliction were not the heavy hand of a vengeful God, but rather the merciful discipline of a relentlessly pursuing Father for his son.  God hear this prayer as a desperate plea for what you’ve already given freely.  And a grateful hallelujah that this world is ashes to me.  Ashes.  Come Lord Jesus!

To read the rest of Nathan's article, go check out his personal blog.